Life is a Bed of Roses

I understand people don't understand me. I'm hard to understand. I'm closed off. I'm distant. On the surface, I can understand why people would assume I have life together. I'm a grad student at seminary, I'm super involved at church, I love my job and I'm good at it, I have a lot of friends and I have a family that loves me (and I love them). I know all the right answers. I know that it is good to be satisfied where God has you in life. I know that a job promotion does not prove God's faithfulness. I can look back in my life and see God actively guiding me, which is supposed to remind me that He led me to where I am right now. I have nothing to complain about. I'm not sick. I have people all around me. I'm accomplishing things at school, work, and ministry. Yet somehow, I feel sick, I feel lonely, and I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing. Beneath the roses are the thorns. It isn't until you dig deep do you find the source of the pain.
I'm not depressed, I'm stuck. I have this problem where I believe that no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. Then I read the Bible and I realize it's true, I'm not good enough. Moses, Joseph, Abraham, David, Jeremiah, Ezekial, Paul all were not good enough. They were chosen for a purpose. This is why I am stuck. I've spent my whole life re-creating myself to be what I think everyone wants me to be, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I like to read because that is what you do in school. I like sports because it helped me not be the fat girl anymore. I run long distances because I fear that girl is still in me. I want people to think I'm funny or extreme because I don't want to be average. I don't want to be dependent on anyone because that seems weak. I make big plans in life because no one is impressed with the expected. I pretend to be brave because bravery is rare. Ironically, I'm a coward; I fear the simplicity of letting someone know me. I'm completely dependent on your opinion of me. I'm stuck because I have failed at dying to self and allowing God to choose me for the purpose He has created me. I've been too concerned about the way people view me than how they are viewing Christ in me. I've been trying to re-create what God has already created. Instead of allowing Him to refine me, I've trusted in what man says is good. I've failed. Thank God it is not about me. I'm choosing to ask God to dethorn me. It will be painful for sure, but beautiful is the bed or roses!