But I am a Princess

Once upon a time in a YMCA not so far away, there was a little princess named Emma Grace. She dressed in pink, never left her castle without her smile, and went about her day as if the sun came up just for her. One particular day princess Emma Grace was told to go to time out for hitting another child. Upon this judgement the princess created a stir around the kingdom and suddenly an uproar broke out. The town split taking sides for either girl. Those on the princesses side fought for the right of revenge. Justice will be served. Those defending the other girl rioted against the extreme measures taken for such a small offense. Dodgeballs were being thrown from every direction. There was a thirst for blood and no cones were going to hold either team within their boundaries. Something had to be done quickly or else all hope for peace would be lost. Princess Emma Grace was then sent to stand before the mercies of the judge. Tears began to well up in the princess' eyes as she began to understand the depths of her actions. She pleaded her case with a cry "But I am a princess!" The judge sat back slowly as she began to comprehend the factors leading to this judgement. The princess began to explain that the other child had insulted her by telling her she was not a princess. Emma Grace graciously informed the girl that she has been a princess for at least a thousand years, here mama told her so. When the girl defiantly rejected this explanation Emma Grace resorted to violence to make her case clear. This is what led to the stance before the judge. Being wise and discerning the judge decided to ask one question for testimony before announcing the verdict, "What is a princess Emma Grace". The princess' eyes narrowed as she twisted her puckered lips to one side in grand thought and her hands on her hips. A few seconds slipped by before she responded "I don't know, my mama just told me I am one". A slight smile grew on the judge's face as it was apparent that the princess is guilty for simply not knowing the freedom she has in knowing who she is as a princess.
There is freedom in knowing who you are. No one can take away the truth you know. No one can deny you your rights as long as you are aware of what rights you have. You don't have to be or act as any one else if you are confident in who you are. As children of God we are adopted as co-heirs with Christ in the kingdom of God. We truly are princes and princesses of the Holy King. We do not have to punch our friends when they try to challenge our title because they cannot take it away. It is what it is. And knowing who we are we are able to receive the blessings of the king. But also with knowledge comes responsibility. As the princes and princesses of God we are to behave as royalty, but with a crown of honor, position of humility, spirit of power, and throne of gentleness.

Life is a Bed of Roses

I understand people don't understand me. I'm hard to understand. I'm closed off. I'm distant. On the surface, I can understand why people would assume I have life together. I'm a grad student at seminary, I'm super involved at church, I love my job and I'm good at it, I have a lot of friends and I have a family that loves me (and I love them). I know all the right answers. I know that it is good to be satisfied where God has you in life. I know that a job promotion does not prove God's faithfulness. I can look back in my life and see God actively guiding me, which is supposed to remind me that He led me to where I am right now. I have nothing to complain about. I'm not sick. I have people all around me. I'm accomplishing things at school, work, and ministry. Yet somehow, I feel sick, I feel lonely, and I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing. Beneath the roses are the thorns. It isn't until you dig deep do you find the source of the pain.
I'm not depressed, I'm stuck. I have this problem where I believe that no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. Then I read the Bible and I realize it's true, I'm not good enough. Moses, Joseph, Abraham, David, Jeremiah, Ezekial, Paul all were not good enough. They were chosen for a purpose. This is why I am stuck. I've spent my whole life re-creating myself to be what I think everyone wants me to be, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I like to read because that is what you do in school. I like sports because it helped me not be the fat girl anymore. I run long distances because I fear that girl is still in me. I want people to think I'm funny or extreme because I don't want to be average. I don't want to be dependent on anyone because that seems weak. I make big plans in life because no one is impressed with the expected. I pretend to be brave because bravery is rare. Ironically, I'm a coward; I fear the simplicity of letting someone know me. I'm completely dependent on your opinion of me. I'm stuck because I have failed at dying to self and allowing God to choose me for the purpose He has created me. I've been too concerned about the way people view me than how they are viewing Christ in me. I've been trying to re-create what God has already created. Instead of allowing Him to refine me, I've trusted in what man says is good. I've failed. Thank God it is not about me. I'm choosing to ask God to dethorn me. It will be painful for sure, but beautiful is the bed or roses!

My Letter to Michael

It saddens me that I did not keep a copy of the letter that I sent to Michael from the Bachelorette. I will assure you that it was not a sappy celebrity crazed letter that your 13 years old sister might write. It definitely showed off my personality, at least that's what my friends that read it say.
I understand that Michael has a lot of fans. Rightfully so, he is a man with class which has been proven on the show and after the show. I have no fear that Michael will find a lady that he deserves and will care about him more than he could ever imagine. However, as I said, I sent a letter to ABC network that was requesting the ABC "middle man" to forward the letter to Michael. If the mailman and middleman do as I request, I doubt that Michael will be able to easily forget my letter. So this is what I'm expecting to happen...
I understand that Michael voiced his gratitude to all of his fans and promised to respond to all the messages asap. Therefore, I'm sure if I get a response it will be the generic "thank you for your thoughts. You are greatly appreciated. Love Michael" However, he will keep my letter in a box because he can't get me out of his head. Unfortunately, he doesn't know if he is willing to take a risk twice. The bachelorette was hard enough, how could he dream of finding happiness with a random girl that sent him a letter? His friends would convince him that there are plenty of girls in town, NC is too far. But I will always have the satisfaction that I'm the girl Michael will always be thinking of and wondering what if she is the one!

The Suffering Journeyman

My biggest struggle right now in life is asking the question "why am I not suffering?' Sure, life isn't perfect. There are a few things I'm learning to be patient in Christ because I am naturally a greedy person; that somehow I believe I deserve the family and career born in the American dream. However, I have grown to be content in my current state as a single student that has no clear direction in life after school. I could look at the future as an adventure; not always knowing the next step and trusting in God to be faithful. Easier said than done. Too many people try to comfort us 25 years old singles, saying God has us single for a reason, but one day God will bring that special someone. Someone needs to look at those people in the eyes and call them liars. God ordained marriage but he doesn't promise it, no matter how much of a wonderful catch you think I am. This is frustration not suffering!
I struggle with not suffering because people read the Bible and say "If you are not being persecuted for your faith, then you need to pray to God about what sin is keeping you from God. What are you not giving up for God?" Then I look at my life: I'm a 25 years old healthy American single woman, studying graduate level counseling at a seminary, blessed with a godly family, friends, and church. I have a job that is stable. I have a great place to live, great roommate to live with, food on the table (maybe too much) and a car that is just as stubborn as I am when it comes to giving up. I'm free to believe in God, go to church, share my faith, read the Bible, and pray. I've never been threatened or ridiculed for sharing Christ. A pleasant "that's not for me" or fake agreement in the Gospel for the sake of avoiding conflict is the usual response I get from evangelizing. More often than not, people want to hear more, dialogue, or accept Christ. Any suffering that I experience is usually caused by me or the result of a bruised ego. I'm not saying that I am immune to pain and suffering, but my suffering is not for the sake of the gospel like Paul talks about in his letters to Timothy. It bothers me that I am a Christian that lives so comfortably while there are men and women that give it all up for Christ and the message of the gospel.
On my journey, I don't know the next step. I may not one day get that perfect family. I may not live in a big city like I hope. I may be in school for another 10 years because the first 19 years of going to school hasn't made me brilliant enough yet. I may never be ridiculed for my faith. The point I think to all of it is not whether or not I suffer for my faith, but whether or not I am willing to be so obedient to Christ, that even willful suffering will seem like joy because I know it is in love for my Savior. Paul suffered in the temporal sense because he knew the message of the gospel was well worth the end prize. He compares it to a soldier fighting the good fight, a farmer reaping the harvest and an athlete running the good race. It is hard work for all with joy in the end. Maybe I don't see the suffering because I'm consumed with the prize... Christ and Salvation!

Why Do I Matter?

I'm very ordinary, until I try to be extraordinary. Then I'm ridiculous. I'm an extreme person. I don't like to do things half way, but I won't do things I think I'll fail. Some describe me as quirky or even weird, I like to keep things interesting. I challenge myself often to do things that seem uncomfortable or awkward. If more people did things that were awkward, society would get used to it and then it would be normal. For example, I talk to people I don't know, a faux pas that restricts the ability to serve and love one another the way God intends His people to do. I have a family, friends, I go to school, I go to church, I work, I eat, drink, sleep, exercise, read, laugh, worry, I do everything everyone else is capable of doing. I excel in looking awesome and being witty, but I have to work hard at being humble.
So far I've told you nothing about myself that would make you believe there is some grand purpose for my existence, or the fact that I am a necessity to society. Probably because I'm not alive for my own purpose or for those around me. In fact, I'm starting to think nothing about myself is really about me. In fact, I can't take credit for anything.
I was reading Jeremiah in the Bible and how Israel thought they were amazing and basically that even though God had created them, helped them escape slavery in Egypt, sustained them in the desert for 40 years, conquered nation after nation in war for them, apparently they thought God had taken them as far as they needed Him. Now they create their own idols out of wood (the wood that God provided by the way), they put their trust in their own hands, and somehow believe they have everything in control. They live for themselves without regard to why God even created them in the first place. Nothing they do is for God. God does not need us.
Awesome... God doesn't need us! Which means God wanted to create us. God desires us. God loves us. Our purpose is to please God. My purpose is to praise God, to love God, to desire God, to please God. What an awesome purpose! No pressure. It is a choice I get to make: either live life in fear because my sin brings destruction or live life in a way that loves God and praises Him for being a Creator that cares about me even to point of providing Jesus so that I have freedom. Tough choice!

Jesus is okay with me being extreme

I would like to take credit for my mom being awesome. I give numerous opportunities to practice and prove her capabilities as counselor, friend, and best mom of the year award. It was no different a few weeks ago when I called my mom freaking out, talking a hundred miles a minute about a personality flaw I've just now discovered about myself. "I'm Extreme, I crave attention"! This very conversation would be an example of how extreme I am. Of course, my thoughts were disoriented, making no sense, yet concluding that "I don't know how to stop being extreme because I don't want to be boring". Of course my mom asks me what in the world I'm talking about? My answer: "Mom, I take a cup every where I go! If I stop bringing cups, people notice. The way I eat, draws attention. The fact I take walks is a big deal. I want to go to Chicago or Seattle, partly because I'm drawn to challenge and inner cities, partly because of shock value. I will stop dating because dating doesn't work for me." Mom's 1st observation: "I don't think it is bad to carry a cup everywhere. If you want to carry a cup, it is okay. It is not a sin." Poor mom. Mom's 2nd observation: "You can't go to extremes just because something isn't working for you. Don't run away. Find balance." For this specific conversation, mom is right. However, by nature I'm an extremist so my problem is not going away. Therefore, the answer is found in how I channel my extreme tendencies.
Reading Scripture, I find Jesus to be a bit of an extremist. His point is well taken in the most extreme environments: Jesus' ability to stand against Satan's temptations is a great example, but Jesus takes it to the extreme when this situation is after a 40 day fast. No one doubts Jesus' ability to heal the ill, but I think Jesus was trying to make his point when he waited a few days before going to heal Lazarus, who was now dead. The point: It is extremely awesome for Jesus to not only heal the sick but to make the dead alive. Even Jesus' birth was extreme; it gained the attention of kings. As a boy, he taught the teachers. As an adult, he was the extreme example of social faux pas, talking to women, samaritans (ethnic violation), town sinners, challenging Pharisees (those that followed Old Testament law for a living), loving the poor. Most extreme: dying on a cross (shameful death for a criminal) while innocent, for people that hated him. He gave up perfect union with God, became the sin we created because he loved us so much. This extreme love sure did catch my attention.
After realizing I worship an extreme God, I've decided it is okay for me to be extreme as long as my reasons for being an extremist is the same as his. I'm extremely selfish but I pray all my energy for myself is transformed into a desire to bring all attention to Christ. I like to challenge those around me as well as myself. I pray my challenges are not a vain attempt to build my pride of my knowledge or abilities; instead, a godly challenge edifies all involved to surrender to God because he is the source of knowledge and ability.
Can't wait to carry my cup to Seattle!

Today's Choices

This morning I woke up and cursed God because it was yet another morning I had to get up. Then I repented and thanked God for yet another beautiful day I get to get up. Then I complained to God that I was hungry. As I walked into the kitchen I realized although I don't have much, I will not be hungry in 5 minutes. This is a reality that not everyone experiences. Again I thanked God and was obedient in eating healthy as I asked God to not let the dough nuts be my temptation. I went to sit down on the couch, flipped through the channels and landed on 90210. My slothfulness immediately had a stronghold. So I asked God what would be more beneficial today? He told me to take a walk. Of course, I told God this obviously wasn't the best use of my time. I needed to read, I needed to fellowship with other believers, I needed to serve someone, I needed Starbucks. However, God said walk! So after wrestling with God, I submitted and asked where did he want me to walk? To the Seminary! The distance was less of an issue than the purpose. It made more sense to have me walk where unbelievers were not a school of trained believers. Again I submit! I started walking and I had my ipod listening to Mark Driscoll's messages on "Temptation and Sin" "Temptation and Hypocrisy" and "Temptation and Scripture". I began to just realize that I needed this time of God's Truth, peace, and meditation. I thought this was my reasoning of a walk. Then I passed a gas station. A man came out just as I was passing by. He was a man of about 65 as far as I could guess, he had a cane, had a long white beard, looked filthy, I judged him incompetent, and someone I would usually go out of my way to avoid. I politely said hello as I started to pass him until a physical tug from the Lord required me to slow down. He introduced himself as Pops. I made polite conversation about the weather, how long he's lived in Wake Forest, family, what he likes to do for fun. When we got to his home, he thanked me for our walk and hoped we could do it again soon! With a smile I continued my walk. As I continued I noticed a woman in her 30s that was struggling with her dog. At a closer glance I realized she had a neck brace on. I stopped to ask if there was anyway that I could help her today and she just smiled saying "No, thank you." I patted the dog on the head, helped calm him down and said "Well, I hope you have a blessed day". The journey continues as I approach the school and a couple carrying groceries. Again as the distance became shorter I notice the woman has a hole in her throat with a device to help her breath and talk. On a normal day I would smile as I passed by because I wouldn't know what to say to someone like this, but today was a day of obedience. I offered to help carry the groceries. A bit surprised (and skeptical I'm sure) the woman handed me some groceries to carry. The walk to her home was mostly silent. When we got to the door she asked me why I offered to help? All I knew to say is "because God wanted me to". Another smile was exchanged with a pleasant thank you and off I went to continue my walk back home. On the way back, Pops was sitting on his balcony. He hollered a second thank you with a "When can we walk again"? I now have a walking date with Pops on Saturdays. The remainder of my walk was my time to praise God for being good. How could I ever doubt God? He knew I would meet these people today. He knew I would need to see people enjoying this beautiful day that overcame physical ailment and all I had to overcome was selfish sloth to enjoy it. God knew I would meet a new friend, Pops, that is lonely and either needs God or needs a friend to listen about his experiences of God. God knew that despite myself, He has plans to bless me. God knows what may come of today. God knew I didn't know better than Him. Thank God!