Confessions of a Implacabile Christian

I grew up in a home with two godly Christian parents that taught me the value of giving 100% of myself to my commitments. As a child going to church on Sunday (am and pm), Wednesdays and any other scheduled activities during the week involving the church was not an option, it was a part of life. Extracurriculars were only a possibility with the understanding that quiting mid-commitment is not a characteristic of the Core family. School has been my livelihood most of my life, therefore, I should work hard in school as part of my survival; anything beneath my best was not acceptable. Helping others beyond my own egocentric demands was a necessity in becoming a person others would value as a friend. The one aspect I wrongly accuse my parents with fault is my independence. Ironically, this is a virtue I've desired my entire life. My self-confidence is built on the impression that I am self-sufficient and apparently a bit intimidating. I see my boldness of speech as an honorable reflection of my arrogance and incandescent wit. I value the perception of being brave and somewhat quirky. However, recently reality has taken residence in my conscience. None of these characteristics are less desired. I fully take responsibility for my independence as part of who I am. I will not shy from the truth, no matter how painful at times. I do not dare to step down from challenges. I do value admiration, but I desire humility more. I will not ask forgiveness for who I am. However, my confession brings me to my knees as a Christian. I'm proud! I would much rather be "right" in a debate than be right with God. I dare not let anyone know my pain. Asking for help implies I am weak. Sharing struggles admits that I do not know everything.
This past week I have struggled much with what my life would look like depending on different decisions I make. I say I want to go to Seattle (which I really do), but what if I stay here... am I copping out! I say I don't want to be a glorified baby-sitter all my life (which I really don't) but what if I am limiting God in how he wants to use me. I say it is quite okay if I don't find my husband in Raleigh or even for another 30 years for that matter, (which it really is okay), but I would be a liar if I do not admit that I am scared to live life alone. Regardless, I have come to a conclusion. I'm a sinner. God set up a system for us sinners that is a guaranteed success because He is the Creator and Sustainer. I have relentlessly tried to avoid its perks. The Church is an avenue to sanctification God employs for our good. He surrounds me with other people that rely on His strength that will in love shape me into a person that gives 100% to God. All of a sudden my weaknesses develop into a vessel for God to fill because it is no longer about me, but about Him.
No longer do I consider myself independent; I am dependent on God. Now, I am willing, which is brave and safe all at the same time.