What's next for me?

I hate planning! I love being spontaneous, living daily as if every moment could be a new adventure. I'm a typical girl and don't like to plan where to eat. I'm horrible at playing hostess because I can't decide how to entertain. I don't invite people to hang out because it is inevitable I will hang out with someone during the day anyways. I don't print driving directions because I like the challenge. I like to go walking and see where it leads me. Planning robs you of outrageous stories the could only be accomplished by self inflicted predicaments. I welcome change. My favorite is spur of the moment trips or outings that rely on pure charm to make it through the night. Push the limits!

Ironically, I have the next 10 years planned out but I think God enjoys a little spontaneity himself. Recently I've been mulling over two very real concerns of mine that are basically life altering moments in many peoples' lives: what does life look like after school and how does marriage fit into my life? I have strong desires of what I would like both of these concerns to eventually permit, but I fear that they do not coincide very easily.

As a preface I will say both concerns I have brought to God. These "concerns" may be described as curiosity too. However, the conflict between the two has captured my thoughts and intrigued my appetite for answers. My concern is not debilitating rather thought provoking.

One day I would love to live in Seattle as part of a ministry that pours into people that have no hope. I heard a statistic one time that Seattle has the highest rate of suicide. My first thought was God is there only hope. I used to want to go to Chicago and minister to the gangs, or at least the young siblings that follow lead. My strong desires include both reshaping the presuppositions that this is all life has to offer and to do it in a place that challenges my comfort. However, this desire challenges my other concern, to one day get married. I know I have already scared off a few guys with this big plan to move to Seattle someday after I graduate. I don't usually mind scaring off guys; not many guys I fancy are worth second thinking my plans in life. In fact, I usually don't allow my heart to attach so easily to guys simply for my view on dating. I won't date just because I'm lonely. I don't trust guys, so some guy that thinks he'll sweep me off my feet is mistaken. I hate cheese, I love realness. I want to get to know a guy before commitment is involved. If a guy is not interested in getting to know me then there is no hope. Friendship is the best start. My idea of romantic (although unrealistic) would be my best friend (no one in mind now) asking me to marry him out of nowhere. Of course, God has to be the Lord of his life. I want fun, wit, charm, spontaneity, affection, chivalry... the works but I don't want someone with this idea that dating is a sport. Anyways, all to say I'm harsh which narrows my chances of one, finding someone that will put up with me and two, someone that at least would be open to living uncomfortably. I'm not so naive to think God couldn't send me someone and where ever we live will be in God's will, or send me to Seattle and find someone there. However, right now this very moment in my life I wonder the classic question at this classic age why is there not someone now? Confession: there is someone special (of course he has no clue) but the dilemma lies in what kind of decision would I have to make if he ever got a clue?

Luckily, all this mumbo jumbo is speculation and still in God's sovereign hands. I will continue to pray. Perhaps I can focus less on the next 10 years and start praying more about the daily moment by moment adventure that God chooses to bless me with now. Lesson: Don't miss out on the good things now in anticipation of the possibilities for sufferings in the future.