The Suffering Journeyman

My biggest struggle right now in life is asking the question "why am I not suffering?' Sure, life isn't perfect. There are a few things I'm learning to be patient in Christ because I am naturally a greedy person; that somehow I believe I deserve the family and career born in the American dream. However, I have grown to be content in my current state as a single student that has no clear direction in life after school. I could look at the future as an adventure; not always knowing the next step and trusting in God to be faithful. Easier said than done. Too many people try to comfort us 25 years old singles, saying God has us single for a reason, but one day God will bring that special someone. Someone needs to look at those people in the eyes and call them liars. God ordained marriage but he doesn't promise it, no matter how much of a wonderful catch you think I am. This is frustration not suffering!
I struggle with not suffering because people read the Bible and say "If you are not being persecuted for your faith, then you need to pray to God about what sin is keeping you from God. What are you not giving up for God?" Then I look at my life: I'm a 25 years old healthy American single woman, studying graduate level counseling at a seminary, blessed with a godly family, friends, and church. I have a job that is stable. I have a great place to live, great roommate to live with, food on the table (maybe too much) and a car that is just as stubborn as I am when it comes to giving up. I'm free to believe in God, go to church, share my faith, read the Bible, and pray. I've never been threatened or ridiculed for sharing Christ. A pleasant "that's not for me" or fake agreement in the Gospel for the sake of avoiding conflict is the usual response I get from evangelizing. More often than not, people want to hear more, dialogue, or accept Christ. Any suffering that I experience is usually caused by me or the result of a bruised ego. I'm not saying that I am immune to pain and suffering, but my suffering is not for the sake of the gospel like Paul talks about in his letters to Timothy. It bothers me that I am a Christian that lives so comfortably while there are men and women that give it all up for Christ and the message of the gospel.
On my journey, I don't know the next step. I may not one day get that perfect family. I may not live in a big city like I hope. I may be in school for another 10 years because the first 19 years of going to school hasn't made me brilliant enough yet. I may never be ridiculed for my faith. The point I think to all of it is not whether or not I suffer for my faith, but whether or not I am willing to be so obedient to Christ, that even willful suffering will seem like joy because I know it is in love for my Savior. Paul suffered in the temporal sense because he knew the message of the gospel was well worth the end prize. He compares it to a soldier fighting the good fight, a farmer reaping the harvest and an athlete running the good race. It is hard work for all with joy in the end. Maybe I don't see the suffering because I'm consumed with the prize... Christ and Salvation!

Why Do I Matter?

I'm very ordinary, until I try to be extraordinary. Then I'm ridiculous. I'm an extreme person. I don't like to do things half way, but I won't do things I think I'll fail. Some describe me as quirky or even weird, I like to keep things interesting. I challenge myself often to do things that seem uncomfortable or awkward. If more people did things that were awkward, society would get used to it and then it would be normal. For example, I talk to people I don't know, a faux pas that restricts the ability to serve and love one another the way God intends His people to do. I have a family, friends, I go to school, I go to church, I work, I eat, drink, sleep, exercise, read, laugh, worry, I do everything everyone else is capable of doing. I excel in looking awesome and being witty, but I have to work hard at being humble.
So far I've told you nothing about myself that would make you believe there is some grand purpose for my existence, or the fact that I am a necessity to society. Probably because I'm not alive for my own purpose or for those around me. In fact, I'm starting to think nothing about myself is really about me. In fact, I can't take credit for anything.
I was reading Jeremiah in the Bible and how Israel thought they were amazing and basically that even though God had created them, helped them escape slavery in Egypt, sustained them in the desert for 40 years, conquered nation after nation in war for them, apparently they thought God had taken them as far as they needed Him. Now they create their own idols out of wood (the wood that God provided by the way), they put their trust in their own hands, and somehow believe they have everything in control. They live for themselves without regard to why God even created them in the first place. Nothing they do is for God. God does not need us.
Awesome... God doesn't need us! Which means God wanted to create us. God desires us. God loves us. Our purpose is to please God. My purpose is to praise God, to love God, to desire God, to please God. What an awesome purpose! No pressure. It is a choice I get to make: either live life in fear because my sin brings destruction or live life in a way that loves God and praises Him for being a Creator that cares about me even to point of providing Jesus so that I have freedom. Tough choice!

Jesus is okay with me being extreme

I would like to take credit for my mom being awesome. I give numerous opportunities to practice and prove her capabilities as counselor, friend, and best mom of the year award. It was no different a few weeks ago when I called my mom freaking out, talking a hundred miles a minute about a personality flaw I've just now discovered about myself. "I'm Extreme, I crave attention"! This very conversation would be an example of how extreme I am. Of course, my thoughts were disoriented, making no sense, yet concluding that "I don't know how to stop being extreme because I don't want to be boring". Of course my mom asks me what in the world I'm talking about? My answer: "Mom, I take a cup every where I go! If I stop bringing cups, people notice. The way I eat, draws attention. The fact I take walks is a big deal. I want to go to Chicago or Seattle, partly because I'm drawn to challenge and inner cities, partly because of shock value. I will stop dating because dating doesn't work for me." Mom's 1st observation: "I don't think it is bad to carry a cup everywhere. If you want to carry a cup, it is okay. It is not a sin." Poor mom. Mom's 2nd observation: "You can't go to extremes just because something isn't working for you. Don't run away. Find balance." For this specific conversation, mom is right. However, by nature I'm an extremist so my problem is not going away. Therefore, the answer is found in how I channel my extreme tendencies.
Reading Scripture, I find Jesus to be a bit of an extremist. His point is well taken in the most extreme environments: Jesus' ability to stand against Satan's temptations is a great example, but Jesus takes it to the extreme when this situation is after a 40 day fast. No one doubts Jesus' ability to heal the ill, but I think Jesus was trying to make his point when he waited a few days before going to heal Lazarus, who was now dead. The point: It is extremely awesome for Jesus to not only heal the sick but to make the dead alive. Even Jesus' birth was extreme; it gained the attention of kings. As a boy, he taught the teachers. As an adult, he was the extreme example of social faux pas, talking to women, samaritans (ethnic violation), town sinners, challenging Pharisees (those that followed Old Testament law for a living), loving the poor. Most extreme: dying on a cross (shameful death for a criminal) while innocent, for people that hated him. He gave up perfect union with God, became the sin we created because he loved us so much. This extreme love sure did catch my attention.
After realizing I worship an extreme God, I've decided it is okay for me to be extreme as long as my reasons for being an extremist is the same as his. I'm extremely selfish but I pray all my energy for myself is transformed into a desire to bring all attention to Christ. I like to challenge those around me as well as myself. I pray my challenges are not a vain attempt to build my pride of my knowledge or abilities; instead, a godly challenge edifies all involved to surrender to God because he is the source of knowledge and ability.
Can't wait to carry my cup to Seattle!

Today's Choices

This morning I woke up and cursed God because it was yet another morning I had to get up. Then I repented and thanked God for yet another beautiful day I get to get up. Then I complained to God that I was hungry. As I walked into the kitchen I realized although I don't have much, I will not be hungry in 5 minutes. This is a reality that not everyone experiences. Again I thanked God and was obedient in eating healthy as I asked God to not let the dough nuts be my temptation. I went to sit down on the couch, flipped through the channels and landed on 90210. My slothfulness immediately had a stronghold. So I asked God what would be more beneficial today? He told me to take a walk. Of course, I told God this obviously wasn't the best use of my time. I needed to read, I needed to fellowship with other believers, I needed to serve someone, I needed Starbucks. However, God said walk! So after wrestling with God, I submitted and asked where did he want me to walk? To the Seminary! The distance was less of an issue than the purpose. It made more sense to have me walk where unbelievers were not a school of trained believers. Again I submit! I started walking and I had my ipod listening to Mark Driscoll's messages on "Temptation and Sin" "Temptation and Hypocrisy" and "Temptation and Scripture". I began to just realize that I needed this time of God's Truth, peace, and meditation. I thought this was my reasoning of a walk. Then I passed a gas station. A man came out just as I was passing by. He was a man of about 65 as far as I could guess, he had a cane, had a long white beard, looked filthy, I judged him incompetent, and someone I would usually go out of my way to avoid. I politely said hello as I started to pass him until a physical tug from the Lord required me to slow down. He introduced himself as Pops. I made polite conversation about the weather, how long he's lived in Wake Forest, family, what he likes to do for fun. When we got to his home, he thanked me for our walk and hoped we could do it again soon! With a smile I continued my walk. As I continued I noticed a woman in her 30s that was struggling with her dog. At a closer glance I realized she had a neck brace on. I stopped to ask if there was anyway that I could help her today and she just smiled saying "No, thank you." I patted the dog on the head, helped calm him down and said "Well, I hope you have a blessed day". The journey continues as I approach the school and a couple carrying groceries. Again as the distance became shorter I notice the woman has a hole in her throat with a device to help her breath and talk. On a normal day I would smile as I passed by because I wouldn't know what to say to someone like this, but today was a day of obedience. I offered to help carry the groceries. A bit surprised (and skeptical I'm sure) the woman handed me some groceries to carry. The walk to her home was mostly silent. When we got to the door she asked me why I offered to help? All I knew to say is "because God wanted me to". Another smile was exchanged with a pleasant thank you and off I went to continue my walk back home. On the way back, Pops was sitting on his balcony. He hollered a second thank you with a "When can we walk again"? I now have a walking date with Pops on Saturdays. The remainder of my walk was my time to praise God for being good. How could I ever doubt God? He knew I would meet these people today. He knew I would need to see people enjoying this beautiful day that overcame physical ailment and all I had to overcome was selfish sloth to enjoy it. God knew I would meet a new friend, Pops, that is lonely and either needs God or needs a friend to listen about his experiences of God. God knew that despite myself, He has plans to bless me. God knows what may come of today. God knew I didn't know better than Him. Thank God!

Worship is the Answer

I'm studying ethics. The question of right and wrong, in my mind, is usually accompanied with the implicit question of "what can I get away with and still be considered right"? My professor in ethics uses the example of hormonal teenagers asking "How far is too far" in the sexual context. More appropriately for me, "how far is too far" in the context of my own desires.
Last night I went to a bonfire at my friend's house. The group was a bunch of single guys and girls ready to get real (scary situation). Apparently we have all been burned in the past in some form or fashion. The guys complained of receiving the "you're like a brother to me", "we can still be friends", or "I'm just not ready to date" responses. The girls were troubled with the line between waiting and letting the guy know you are interested. It would be improper to be so forward, yet guys claim they will not risk rejection unless there were a sense of interest. What a vicious cycle singles are placed in. As the night went on, we tried to help the other gender by answering questions dealing with the meaning of flirtation, the motive of pursuit, signs of interest, etc.... Unfortunately, what we came to understand is everyone is different in each of these categories. Flirting can be physical touch, encouragement, laughter, or even just a response to an initial flirting. Motives range from physical attraction to desperation for companionship. A person showing signs of interest may think it is obvious while one receiving them may assume friendliness. No answer was absolute. No hope can be found in fickle answers.
Our final conclusion was men need to step up and initiate while women submit (biblically speaking) and wait. Ethically, is the desire for this companionship right or wrong? Is it wrong to desire a particular person? Some would say of course not, God created marriage for companionship. Did he? Maybe! I'm not convinced my sole purpose of getting married is for companionship, although it is a blessing from God. 1 Corinthians 10: 31 tells me that whatever I do I should do for the glory of God. "Whatever" means everything. Everything I do should glorify God. Glorifying God is worship. I was created to worship. Therefore, marriage is not for my selfish desire for companionship but a life long act of worship. If it were for companionship, God's creation of marriage between Adam and Eve would imply Adam's relationship with God was insufficient (The Convergent Church by Mark Liederbach and Alvin L. Reid). On the other hand, my singleness is not a curse but an opportunity to worship God.
So again "how far is too far?" Maybe we ask the wrong question; Instead our question should be "How is this glorifying God?" How is my desire for a particular person glorifying God... or does it hinder me from worship?

The Mathematics of the Gospel

I love math. There is no ambiguity in the solution and the means to finding the solution. There are absolutes and rules, rightly applied always give the correct answer. There is no room for interpretation, only truth. Unfortunately, we live in a world when someone feels they have the right to question the meaning of the number three or if the sum of two plus two really equals four. Why can't it equal five?
I find myself giving the gospel the same treatment. Although in reality the gospel=Salvation; Salvation=Christ; therefore gospel= Christ, I begin creating my own system of truth: gospel= Christ + X. Somehow my life has not added up right. Things are missing I feel are owed to me. Suddenly I find myself sulking because apparently Christ just wasn't enough if I don't have X too. Then I go to Scripture (because that is what all good Christians do) and I find a verse that tells me God will give me X because he wants me to be happy. (Please understand the sarcasm). So I start reading Philippians 4:4-8:

"Rejoice in the lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things."


First glance I hone in on only a fraction of the passage and it looks like this: Rejoice! Do not be anxious. By prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God will transcend all understanding. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things.

Do you see the difference? My tendency is to subtract the Gospel from the passage and focus on my own selfish desire! X is not bad in and of itself until I allow it to be the source of my joy. Until it says Christ is not enough! Soon enough my equation looks like gospel=X, eek!
Just in case you were wondering, after careful study I understand Philippians is not God's promise to give me X to make me happy if I just pray for it. Instead, he says don't be anxious be thankful. Be thankful you have a God you can approach with your requests. Come to God with everything and let Him show you what is good for you. God will give you peace in the form of himself, his goodness and his truth so you will not want to subtract Christ from the gospel; He is enough! And you may not understand this peace because it is not what you asked for but it is what you needed. Fortunately, God loves us enough to give us what we need and not always what we want. If it is difficult to stay focused on Christ then train your brain to think only of true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things; these things will lead you to dwell on the Lord.
Gospel = Christ

What's next for me?

I hate planning! I love being spontaneous, living daily as if every moment could be a new adventure. I'm a typical girl and don't like to plan where to eat. I'm horrible at playing hostess because I can't decide how to entertain. I don't invite people to hang out because it is inevitable I will hang out with someone during the day anyways. I don't print driving directions because I like the challenge. I like to go walking and see where it leads me. Planning robs you of outrageous stories the could only be accomplished by self inflicted predicaments. I welcome change. My favorite is spur of the moment trips or outings that rely on pure charm to make it through the night. Push the limits!

Ironically, I have the next 10 years planned out but I think God enjoys a little spontaneity himself. Recently I've been mulling over two very real concerns of mine that are basically life altering moments in many peoples' lives: what does life look like after school and how does marriage fit into my life? I have strong desires of what I would like both of these concerns to eventually permit, but I fear that they do not coincide very easily.

As a preface I will say both concerns I have brought to God. These "concerns" may be described as curiosity too. However, the conflict between the two has captured my thoughts and intrigued my appetite for answers. My concern is not debilitating rather thought provoking.

One day I would love to live in Seattle as part of a ministry that pours into people that have no hope. I heard a statistic one time that Seattle has the highest rate of suicide. My first thought was God is there only hope. I used to want to go to Chicago and minister to the gangs, or at least the young siblings that follow lead. My strong desires include both reshaping the presuppositions that this is all life has to offer and to do it in a place that challenges my comfort. However, this desire challenges my other concern, to one day get married. I know I have already scared off a few guys with this big plan to move to Seattle someday after I graduate. I don't usually mind scaring off guys; not many guys I fancy are worth second thinking my plans in life. In fact, I usually don't allow my heart to attach so easily to guys simply for my view on dating. I won't date just because I'm lonely. I don't trust guys, so some guy that thinks he'll sweep me off my feet is mistaken. I hate cheese, I love realness. I want to get to know a guy before commitment is involved. If a guy is not interested in getting to know me then there is no hope. Friendship is the best start. My idea of romantic (although unrealistic) would be my best friend (no one in mind now) asking me to marry him out of nowhere. Of course, God has to be the Lord of his life. I want fun, wit, charm, spontaneity, affection, chivalry... the works but I don't want someone with this idea that dating is a sport. Anyways, all to say I'm harsh which narrows my chances of one, finding someone that will put up with me and two, someone that at least would be open to living uncomfortably. I'm not so naive to think God couldn't send me someone and where ever we live will be in God's will, or send me to Seattle and find someone there. However, right now this very moment in my life I wonder the classic question at this classic age why is there not someone now? Confession: there is someone special (of course he has no clue) but the dilemma lies in what kind of decision would I have to make if he ever got a clue?

Luckily, all this mumbo jumbo is speculation and still in God's sovereign hands. I will continue to pray. Perhaps I can focus less on the next 10 years and start praying more about the daily moment by moment adventure that God chooses to bless me with now. Lesson: Don't miss out on the good things now in anticipation of the possibilities for sufferings in the future.